“processing.. processing..”

08/30/2010 KJ

for that to really make sense, you have to read it in the metallicy robot voice like when the wii fit measures you.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that I’ve gone about processing this whole deployment thing entirely incorrectly. And maybe watching a terrible movie where the main character processes things horribly was what it took to bring me to this epiphany (27 dresses), or the fact that I  realized when we finally skyped this afternoon that it is finally slowly starting to hit me that he is not going to be back for a very long time.
For those of you that know me well, you know more than the fact that the last time I did the whole deployment thing, I joined the marine corps. (ooh rah coping mechanism!) You know that I sent not only what I thought was the love of my life but also my best friend, and if you know me REALLY well, you know that I was all smiles and giggles until the bus pulled out, and then I cried. No, I guess “cried” is an understatement. Bawled and sobbed uncontrollably. Can’t see, Can’t Breathe, hiccuping turning blue gonna pass out cry. Cried off and on for a few days, drank entirely too much, and left for boot camp entirely too early, missing out on the second date with the man I ended up spending the rest of my life with. So when I dropped Tim off at the airport almost three weeks ago, I smiled, we laughed, I put him on a plane, and got back in the car, and sat for a second.

Nothing.

Drove home.. nothing. Got back, took a long freakin nap, and then a shower all by myself. Usually showers are where my meltdowns happen since boot camp. The beauty of the water falling is that no one can hear you cry. SDI GYSGT Dexter taught me that. It makes it easier. But yeah.. still nothing. Three weeks later.. I’m incredibly lonely, but not.. I dunno. It’s kind of like that country song. “I keep my friends with me, I stay busy, and I don’t get much sleep. That’s how I’m doin since you did whatcha da-da-done to me..”
I’ve always been a late processor. I deal with the issue at hand, then once everything has settled itself down, I melt down. Sleep for a few days. I guess so much has happened in the past year or so that not all of it has hit yet. I’m still in awe that for once in my life, a leap of blind faith turned out tremendously (my moving to NYC) instead of the usual crash and burn. I’m utterly amazed that moving in with another stubborn, pig-headed, set in their ways individual felt like meeting the other half of my soul instead of a hurricane meeting a tornado (or whatever that horrible Eminem and Rhianna song says). It still hasn’t completely set in that I got married, for real this time, instead of planning it for a year and then having it, too, crash and burn. (Which by the way is probably the BEST thing that could have happened was for it to end the way it did, and then finally end for good the summer that I started going to NY..yes there are lots of side comments in this entry.. you better not be shocked, or get the hell off my blog cuz you obviously don’t know me.) I still lay in bed sometimes and wonder if I’m going to wake up from this dream of being deliriously happy, and still be working retail somewhere, living in an apartment and drinking heavily, and probably engaging in all kinds of terrible behavior. And then we had our ceremony, and I got to wear the dress of my dreams. In all honesty.. the dress I wore to T and I’s wedding was the dress I had picked out for my first wedding. I went back and forth for weeks about it, tried on other dresses because I thought it might be bad luck, and then when I found this one on ebay for $100 bucks custom fit instead of 1500+ at the alfred angelo store, I figured it was fate. I felt like a princess. There are two times in my life my husband has ever looked at me like that- once when I got to the front of the church, and the first time I held our baby girl. But anywho.. our families and friends were there, and even though the finer points of the day were a disaster (read back a few entries, you’ll find it.. I’ve been a terrible blogger since then), it was wonderful. A few weeks later, we found out I was pregnant, the same day we signed on our house. And then we moved..And then my Mamma died suddenly, which took weeks to hit, and sometimes I still want to call her and ask her about allergies or recipes and I almost have a few times out of habit, which would now be entirely too awkward as I think my Pappa’s new wife would be really confused.. and then the middle of June we found out he was leaving the middle of july. Only because he asked, actually. Talk about communication breakdown. The day he was supposed to leave, I went into labor, so thank GOD he’d gotten an extension. Army LTC’s seem to be a lot more reasonable, or at least non-retarded, in comparison to USMC LTC’s. I have rather liked Tim’s two, but I hated mine! Three days later, Devon was born. Three weeks after that, Tim left. I still look at my daughter and am waiting to wake up from that dream too. I was pregnant for nine whole months and it still shocked the hell out of me when we left the hospital with another person. See what I mean about being a late processor? The first couple days part of me kept thinking it was temporary, that it was going to go back to how it was. (YES. I know how dumb that sounds. Labor did strange things to my brain.) Now she’s almost six weeks old, growing like a weed, and the center of my life.
So yes.. this has been my almost two year whirlwind of living dangerously happy. The first few months I lived with Tim I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. It didn’t, so I tried to throw it at him (for those of you that know about the “sexy” issue) and it still didn’t drop. Will anything ever process anymore, or will it just fly by like these two years have and I just have to watch it rush by me and hope I catch it?

Entry Filed under: Babies,Military,Music,NYC,Weddings

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